By Association
by Asidian
Summary: Longing, faith, love, loneliness, hatred, deception, joy, uncertainty, everything yet to come. A series of drabbles. Elricest, RoyEd, EnvyEd. Spoilers, angst, sap, fluff.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: This fic is for Beanclam, who called me crazy for associating the random songs on the cd I made myself with FMA; I swore I'd prove her wrong. So I'm taking a line from each song and making it a drabble. Because if I'm crazy, I'd better be crazy for more reason than that, dammit.

This is the first half of the drabble-set; each is 150 words exactly, and the songs are, in order: Alissa's 'Mamboleo', Tomokazu Seki's 'Naked Mind', Belinda Carlisle's 'Heaven is a Place on Earth', Buck Tick's 'Gessekai', Laura Branigan's 'Self Control' remix, Orgy's 'Dreaming in Digital', Mark Keali'i Ho'omalu's 'He Mele No Lilo', Sophie B Hawkins' 'Don't Tell Me No' and Paku Romi's 'Asu e no Basho'. With the exception of the Hawaiian, all lyrics are translated into English by yours truly.

* * *

By Association

* * *

--Voice and Laughter--

* * *

_I fell in love with your voice and your laughter/  
And just one smile always made me believe_

The streets were crowded, all noise and flashing motion. A local holiday of sorts, Alphonse had supposed to his brother as they'd made their way from the train station just after sunset.

And there was plenty here to celebrate, the boy thought fondly from where he stood watching on the sidelines; the pale soulfire of his eyes had found a place where, amidst the sea of delight, a toddler clutched the finger of a dirt-smeared little boy no more than seven, chubby hand closed tight and bright eyes adoring.

Almost, it made him think of another time- of warm golden eyes and an irrepressible grin, of the sensation, just beyond recollection, of his brother's hand closed about his own.

"Al!" called the voice, and he turned before regret could set in, confronted by the laughing, childish wonder in Edward's eyes.

Someday, he promised himself, and moved to join the boy.

owari--

* * *

--Light and Shadow--

* * *

_Without sound, it's pouring rain/  
Light and shadow are, I think, your faith_

The rain streamed quietly down the windowpane, tiny glinting rivulets dim in the stormy light of the afternoon. Alphonse watched them fall with a fascination perhaps a bit too intent, caught up in the notion that if the weather relented, even for a short while, the day might not seem so lifeless.

Because with Edward lying pale and drawn beneath the sheets of the hospital bed, wound newly stitched, it seemed as though the boy's suffering had leeched the color from the world.

Alphonse had turned away the priest that came just after his brother left surgery, incensed enough not to care when the man cowered before his frightening bulk- because it was unforgivable to imply that Ed might need the help of a God in which he didn't believe simply to survive.

After all, his brother put faith in the world around him- and that, Alphonse knew, was enough.

owari--

* * *

--The World's Alive--

* * *

_And the world's alive/  
With the sound of kids on the street outside_

The fading glow of twilight crept in under the curtains, falling across the blankets in a bar of brightness that made the boy's hair glow a burnished gold. He lay motionless atop the bed, but his body thrummed with an air of expectancy, every inch of him aware and waiting.

Outside, somewhere far below the tiny apartment, a child screamed; it was a shriek of joy, wild and unadulterated, loud enough that he missed the quiet click of the door opening.

The touch of fingers warm on his bare stomach announced another's presence, and the boy stretched, leaned into the caress, opened his eyes with a lazy smile.

Alphonse leaned in to kiss him, then- long and slow, lingering.

After they'd parted, words came: "Do you remember when we used to play tag, brother?"

"How could I forget?" And a hand of steel reached out to draw the boy nearer.

owari--

* * *

--See You Again--

* * *

_I'll swim alone in the deep darkness/  
Until I can see you again_

Alphonse no longer slept in the bed he remembered, worn blankets soft and reassuring; that bed, they told him, had burned.

There were no photographs here, either- or at least, none that he recalled. The house was full of Rockbell photos, pictures in which Winry grinned out from the vast majority of the small, glossy squares, he and his brother only mentions on the sidelines.

Things had changed.

And Granny Pinako had explained to him, as many times as he'd wanted to hear, about everything he no longer knew- had told him, time and again, about the daring, brilliant, astonishing young man that his brother had become.

It wasn't enough.

Not without the familiar laugh that pervaded every memory of his childhood- certainly not without those hands, dirty and usually scraped raw from scrabbling for purchase on tree branches.

And so he left it all- for something much more important.

owari--

* * *

--Never Stop Myself--

* * *

_Another night, another day goes by/  
I never stop myself to wonder why_

The feeling came more naturally than anything he'd known- a searing, bitter hatred, thick enough to taste when he breathed in, letting it fill up his throat and lungs and body. It burned on the way down, but it was a good burn; it made him dizzy with the rush of it, made him lose a bit of himself in the tide of fury hot and vicious just below the surface.

He'd stopped wondering why it came long ago- there was no logic involved, after all, but he honestly didn't care. Didn't care that it made no sense to punish the boy for the sins of his father, or that by the same standards he'd be guilty himself. He was not merely content but fiercely glad at the way the anger boiled all other feelings to nothing in its wake.

There was obsession in that rage, and Envy embraced it.

owari--

* * *

--Expose Yourself--

* * *

_And don't be afraid- expose yourself/  
Before I shut you down_

"Brother," Envy said, and molded a face that wasn't his own into the parody of concern. "What's wrong?"

And oh, it was sweet to see the Fullmetal brat reduced to this; the naked vulnerability in those eyes was bliss, was the promise of things to come, was the knowledge that soon there would be betrayal in its place, shock and hurt and other things far too subtle to put names to.

"Don't worry about it, Al." The kid was a shitty liar. "It's nothing."

Envy forced down the nasty smirk that threatened to overwhelm him, fought against the impulse to bear teeth in an expression that would be not at all in character. Instead he placed a hand on Ed's shoulder, paid close attention to the little shudder that came in response.

This would not be quite so hard as he'd imagined, Envy thought- and leaned in to kiss him.

owari--

* * *

--Gentle Rain--

* * *

_The arches of rainbows, beams of colors unequalled/  
Creations of love, passing along within gentle rain_

There really was no way to tell for sure- but they'd argued anyway.

Ed had claimed that it was just fog, groused that the extra care he'd need to put into his automail wasn't fair when it wasn't even a proper storm. And Alphonse had laughed at him, elbowed his brother in the side, told him that if it was heavy enough to leave puddles it most certainly couldn't count as mist.

The punches were as much in play as the traded words had been, blows too light to hurt- but they ended up on the ground anyway, rolling hard in dark, muddy soil and grass thick with rain.

It wasn't until the sun peaked through the faded steel of the clouds that they paused, two sets of eyes rising to the place where light filtered in through tiny drops of water.

Beneath a streak of blended hues, they smiled.

owari--

* * *

--Ask Too Much--

* * *

_Don't I ask too much? You tell me/  
Long as I can keep on yelling_

It had been a game of boundaries from the very beginning.

How hard he could push without having life spring back to catch him in the face. Whether the military needed him enough to ignore code violations. What it would take to see an expression less smug on Roy Mustang's face.

So he'd edged a bit closer that point where the line became indistinct- and suddenly, the boundary Ed had always supposed was somewhere just a little further off had been crossed.

Too late to stop, though, and he'd waited instead for an opportunity: one of many lovely women visiting the Colonel in his office.

They'd been taking bets by the time Ed finished, unable to agree whether the shouting could be heard two floors down or three.

He'd stopped on the way out with a wicked grin, promised that if there was a next time, it would be five.

owari--

* * *

--Aim For--

* * *

_I raise my hands above my head/  
And only the faint light that spills over them is the place we aim for_

There was something indescribable about rising before dawn, a sort of power in understanding that before light had even touched the world, he was awake and alive, preparing for a day that hadn't yet been born.

It wasn't something that Edward had always appreciated- wasn't something he'd even thought about, before six months ago.

But then, he'd tried a lot of new things lately, struggling to readjust to a world in which the most he had to worry about was whether Winry could be trusted to kitten-sit while they were away.

And this new life was staggering- more so, the feel of Alphonse's shoulder, warm and flesh beneath his cheek, as the train lurched out of the station.

But if every day began with the morning light spilling though the window, roar of the tracks bellow him and his brother nearby, perhaps, Ed thought, the future could be something astonishing.

owari--


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: Er. Let me clear something up, since I seem to've confused someone last chapter. These are _drabbles_. They aren't meant to interconnect. Each 150-word piece is supposed to stand alone. -nervous smile-

That said, the new lyrics are from Yaz's 'Only You', Live's 'Run to the Water', Paku Romi's 'Returnable Memories', the Foundations' 'Build Me Up, Buttercup', Spacehog's 'In the Meantime', Rie Kugimiya's 'Ano Yume no Mukou e', Matchbox Twenty's 'Bed of Lies', Rockapella's version of 'As I Lay Me Down', and the Aquabats' 'Super Rad'. Japanese translated by yours truly, and this completes the set.

Which only goes to prove that the word "impossible" is dangerous to use around me. -wicked grin-

* * *

--What's Mine --

* * *

_I wonder what's mine/_  
_Can't take no more. _

He didn't know for certain anymore, and that scared him.

Memories that had once been so sweetly definite, his only link to a life before the cold encasement of steel, were beginning to fade. He could no longer remember the caress of a summer's breeze, the squish of mud between his toes, the warm silk of his brother's hair.

And even now the words rang in his mind, a suggestion that he couldn't escape no matter how desperately he tried: perhaps those lovely, darkened images of himself as a human being had never been. Perhaps he'd never felt the ache of a fading bruise or lain on his stomach in the grass behind their house to watch as insects crawled beneath the green of the blades.

But none of that hurt so much as the cruel insistence of his own mind: it's impossible to love something that's not even real.

owari--

* * *

--From Grace --

* * *

_A million mile fall from grace/  
Thank God we missed the ground._

There had been a time when they were innocent.

It was difficult to recall now, wrapped up in that blur of color and joy that he'd shuffled away to the corner of his mind for things not safe to think about- because memories of childhood had no place in a world thick with an adult understanding of pain.

He took them out sometimes, dusted them off and tried each on in turn, face pressed into the pillow of a cheap hotel room, trying hard not to cry loudly enough to wake Alphonse.

They'd come so far since the laughing little boys of his memory, lost so much more than an arm, a leg, and a body.

But the last thing Edward thought to himself on those rare occasions that he recalled days gone by was grateful: no matter how grievous the wound, there was a chance still for it to heal.

owari--

* * *

--To Run --

* * *

_I shake off regret; I've boarded this train/  
For the sake of keeping this promise, I continue to run_

Sometimes, Edward Elric wanted to give up.

There are only so many times that a person's hopes can be raised and dashed to pieces, after all, before there's not enough left to rebuild them again.

And so the boy sat with legs drawn up to his chest, chin resting on his knees, a position he would normally despise as making him seem childish- but the station was deserted save himself and Al, who had seen him at his very worst and loved him all the same.

His brother, Ed's mind repeated, and he turned by degrees so that he could catch the light glinting off the surface of the younger boy's armor. His reason for living, for continuing an impossible search, for having the strength to pull himself out of bed every morning and face a new day.

In the distance, a train whistle sounded, and Ed lifted his suitcase.

owari--

* * *

--Need You So --

* * *

_Although you're untrue, I'm attracted to you all the more/  
Why do I need you so?_

Life, the Fullmetal Alchemist decided viciously, wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair that Roy Mustang could turn his knees to jelly with a few well-placed words, wasn't fair that the bastard could be so smug about it, wasn't _fair_ that he caught himself thinking about that asshole when he should be concentrating on much more important things.

But above and beyond the rest, it was most decidedly not at _all_ fair that, every time Ed got sent away on a new mission, the scheming, underhanded Colonel found a pretty new girl to keep himself entertained. And didn't even have the decency to hide it.

It was enough to make the boy furious- make him want to scream, and curse, and break things.

…and run his fingers through short, dark hair, kiss lips that could do amazingly talented things, stare into the unfathomable depths of smoke grey eyes.

Which wasn't. Fucking. Fair.

owari--

* * *

--Well Is All --

* * *

_When all is well and well is all for all/  
And forever after_

Alphonse visited his brother on the third Tuesday of every month.

It was an important day for them, after all- the day that he'd been restored. The day when, on his "welcome back" anniversary a year later, they'd shared their first kiss: a sweet, clumsy gesture that he could still taste when he tried hard enough to remember.

Al packed a picnic lunch when he came, caught the early train so that the long afternoon hours could be spent with his brother. He loved sitting in the soft, new grass beneath an impossibly blue sky, loved telling Edward how everyone was doing and what had changed in Central.

He brought daffodils, usually; the color reminded him of lovely, expressive eyes.

And sometimes, as he began the long path away from the stone with his brother's name, he swore he could hear Ed's voice echoing out across wide, green hills.

Laughing.

owari--

* * *

--Hear Your Voice --

* * *

_There's nobody on the station platform/  
I stop and watch, and I can hear your voice_

For the first time, this place was full of memories: a train pulling in, whistle ghostly in the light of morning. The steam rising from coffee that he couldn't smell. Wheels rumbling on the tracks, the shout of the conductor, the bustle of a crowd in Central.

And above all that, his brother: complaining that he ached after hours on the train; biting into the glaze of a pastry; excited about a treasured new book; curled up on the hard wood of the bench.

His brother: living, growing, _changing_. Older and wiser and not at all the innocently wicked little boy that he'd known when he was ten years old.

His brother, the Fullmetal Alchemist and everything beneath, with all the years they'd shared between them, with every laugh and sob and shout and desperate dream of what might be.

His brother, forgotten and remembered and loved beyond all words.

owari--

* * *

--It's Not Enough --

* * *

_Don't think that I can fake another hollow smile/  
It's not enough to say "I'm sorry"_

It cut him every time that Alphonse ran marveling fingers over the cotton of the sheets, feeling the place where the sun had made them warm. Stung when those lovely bronze eyes brightened with wonder as the boy made dinner, leaning down to smell the cloves.

Crushed him every time a shudder trembled out across smooth shoulders as they nuzzled closer; every time quiet keening escaped parted lips as the pad of a thumb brushed him just _so_; every time the mingled bliss and disbelief settled over those expressive features after they'd finished, heartbeats slowing.

And the smaller boy never spoke when Al's simple joy reminded him that he'd stolen for five long years the things that brought his brother so much pleasure. Because that, after all, would rob him of it once more.

So Edward simply smiled, tucked the guilt away inside him, and hoped the pain wouldn't show.

owari--

* * *

--Run To Meet You --

* * *

_On a summer evening/  
I run to meet you, barefoot, barely breathing_

It was the time of day that fell into the uncertain period between sunset and night, the time of day that Alphonse spent on the porch swing out front, eyes lingering on the path to the little house he shared with his brother.

"Train gets in tomorrow," the note had promised. "Back around sundown."

But that had been two years ago, and the Fullmetal Alchemist had never returned- had been declared missing in action, presumed dead. There had been a memorial ceremony which Alphonse didn't attend.

Because his brother was _alive_ somewhere, and maybe one day-

Movement on the horizon caught his eye: a silhouette, dark against the glow of the setting sun. He could only stare, throat dry, heart pounding- and then one arm lifted in greeting.

He stumbled in his haste- faltered, righted, took off sprinting.

And when those arms closed around him, metal and flesh, Alphonse cried.

owari--

* * *

--One Last Time --

* * *

_Set it off, one last time/  
Here we come again_

"Was that really necessary, brother?" Alphonse panted, sprinting down the hall on the smaller boy's heels. Behind them, General Mustang's office smoked and sparked; curious eyes followed their retreat.

"Don't be stupid, Al." They rounded a corner, and Edward pressed on just a bit faster. "That bastard's got another thing coming if he thinks he's gonna insult a body I spent six years trying to get back."

Fond exasperation tinged bronze eyes. "Not to mention the fact," Alphonse pointed out, voice brimming with amusement, "That I'm taller than you. So if _I'm_ short-"

"Don't you dare," Ed warned him, and the look that the boy tossed back over his shoulder was positively dangerous.

Alphonse smiled sweetly in response, radiating innocence. "I wouldn't dream it, brother."

The grin flashed razor-sharp and wild; Ed seized his little brother's arm, pulled him down for a kiss. "Better not."

And they were off again.

owari--


End file.
